We need to talk.
We need to talk about the equestrian industry’s dirty little secret: bullying. This is not a problem that is unique to the horse world, however it is unique in that it doesn’t just happen towards the humans involved in the sport, but also towards the horses. It is something that is so woven into the equestrian tradition that we may have difficulty being able to separate it and see it for what it is.
The conversation around this problem has become a lot more prevalent in recent years – so much so that you may have found yourself rolling your eyes at the title of this blog and saying, “Oh great, here we go again”. If that is the case, one, thank you for reading anyways, and two, it is still a pervasive systemic issue that needs to continue being brought to light. It needs to be talked about and reflected on until it is no longer largely seen as acceptable, ignored, or it’s impact diminished. If you find yourself having a negative reaction to the topic, I invite you explore why that might be, and to consider the ways in which not discussing the issue of bullying allows it to continue to thrive in many areas of the equestrian world.
I think it is important to discuss the actual definition of the word bullying, and all the forms that it can take. If the only scenario that comes to mind is the classic getting stuffed into a locker at school by a group of bigger kids, then it is certainly easy to say “I haven’t seen any of that at all, therefore this must not be a real problem”. Let’s look at a few of the different types of bullying and what they might look like, but more importantly, what they might feel like to be on the receiving end of.
Aggression: This is one of the better-known and easy to spot kinds, so let’s start here. This could look like aggressive comments, yelling or screaming, throwing things or damaging property, physically towering over someone or getting “up in someone’s face”. In its extreme form it could progress to physical assault. While many of us are lucky to have never experienced this most extreme version, I bet many of us have experienced it at its lower levels. (Everyone who has been yelled at by a coach during a lesson or clinic put your hand up). This aggression may be unprovoked, but it also often comes up when we try to confront someone or hold them accountable on their behaviour. It is classic deflection to turn it back on the person trying to stand up for themselves and dial up the volume to the point where it overpowers them and ideally (in the eyes of the aggressor) stops them from ever standing up to the bully again. An interesting reflection is to think on instances where you have witnessed this type of behaviour aimed at a horse. While it may be something that happens to humans mainly behind closed doors, it is still easy to find on display towards equines, both in real life and boldly shared on social media. Aggression, when aimed at us, can trigger our fight/flight instincts. We tend to co-regulate with the nervous systems around us, and if those nervous systems are bristling, it is sure to get our own heartrates elevated and release stress hormones. Having to actively create a protective emotional wall against ongoing aggression is absolutely exhausting, and over time can cause severe physical and mental health problems.
Intimidation: Aggression’s predecessor, intimidation may be an implied or outright stated threat of escalation. Think “Oh you think this is bad? Just try me” or “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”. Intimidation only works if the victim believes there is a real threat of the bullying getting worse, for example if they have previously experienced or witnessed outright aggression from this person.
Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a common occurrence and may be inflicted by the original perpetrator of other types of bullying, or it may come from witnesses, bystanders, or people who have no knowledge of the original event, either in person or, more commonly, on social media. Gaslighting is intended to either diminish an event (“oh it can’t have been that bad” or “you’re exaggerating” or “you must have misunderstood”) or even erase it completely (“That never happened” or “I never said that”). It may take the form of words, but it may also be dismissive or diminishing behaviour. For example, if you are bringing forward a valid concern or expressing that you are hurt by someone’s actions and they roll their eyes, scoff, or talk overtop of you. Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic to make the victim question their own reality, or to make others question them. Gaslighting is particularly harmful because it can erode the victim’s sense of safety and reality. We feel safe when we are listened to and understood. Gaslighting is the exact opposite of that. It can also make us feel like we are losing it (“I feel like I’m going crazy”) which is extremely damaging to our mental health. It teaches us that what we are feeling on the inside can’t be trusted and must be ignored, which creates harmful separation between our thoughts and our feelings and lived experience. While horses don’t process information in quite the same way that we do, I believe that there is still harm being done when we gaslight them. How does one gaslight a horse you may ask? Every time we ignore their behavioral communications or treat them like they are being unreasonable when they escalate said communications because we ignored them the first time. I cannot tell you how many videos on TikTok I have seen of people making fun of their horse’s sour faces in the cross ties when they are saddling. Turning another being’s pain signals into comedy is the essence of gaslighting. And while a horse probably isn’t going to think “wow, I must be going crazy”, they are going to feel unheard and unseen, which creates a rift in our relationship with them, and can create nervous system dysregulation, shutdown, and collapse.
Assumed Incompetence: This one is a little less commonly known. As opposed to “I know you can’t do that because you have demonstrated it to me repeatedly” or “ I know this is new for you, so I anticipate that you may need some help learning”, assumed incompetence says “I’ve decided without any evidence that you don’t know what you are doing, therefor I am going to treat you like an idiot.” It could look like automatically disagreeing with someone’s decision without giving it a single thought simply because they are the person who made it and you don’t like them; therefore, they must be wrong. It might also look like endlessly questioning someone on a subject that they have a lot of demonstrated or documented knowledge in. It might even look like never ever taking a person’s word on things, but always having to have it verified by another person (or Google) before agreeing. This can be damaging because it can be time-wasting and frustrating at best and can erode someone’s self-confidence at worst.
Body Shaming: This one is sadly still quite prevalent in the horse world. It may look like a snide comment, an underhanded compliment (“you ride pretty well considering how short your legs are”) or may be disguised as concern for someone’s health. The sticky area is in concern over the horse’s welfare. However, there are very easy to find guidelines on how much weight a horse can carry, based on their build, level of fitness, type of riding being done etc. We need to leave it to professionals such as our vets, body workers, and coaches to help us decide what type and size of horse works best for us and keep the armchair critics out of it. Everyone has their own health story, and knows their own body, and we cannot presume to know what’s best for someone else’s health or claim to be able to judge their health based off appearance alone. Even doctor’s do not claim to be able to do that, so why do random strangers on the internet? I mean, it’s 2023, can we all just agree to stop commenting on each other’s bodies? We can also be more aware of the language we use when talking about our horses bodies. While our horses probably don’t know or care when we joke that our horses need to join Jenny Craig after too much time out on the field, the 12 year old grooming her horse in the next stall might. She might wonder of similar jokes are made about her or other humans at the barn.
Exclusion: This is another one that seems to happen a lot in the horse world. It could be a specific incident, for example you set a boundary with someone, and they spend the next week refusing to talk to you or make any eye contact. Or it could be a systemic thing, for example a barn full or dressage riders never inviting the one trail rider at their barn along when they go for a road ride or certain boarders getting extra privileges that others don’t. It may also look like withholding important information such as show dates or job openings from only certain people. Exclusion can be damaging because at our essence we all crave that sense of belonging, so to be deprived of it hurts us at our very core. At an organizational level, it can be destructive and cause confusion and miscommunication. Exclusion and Isolation are closely related. Isolation is one we see all the time with our horses, particularly in the way that we house them. Keeping a human locked up in solitary confinement with no interaction with other humans for extended periods of time is a punishment reserved for violent offenders. Yet we routinely keep our horses stalled individually with no contact with other equines for many hours at a time. Exclusion based on race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, disabilities etc is discrimination, and is not only bullying, but in many cases is actually against the Human Rights Code.
These are just a few examples of some different forms that bullying can take. Whether it is disguised behind a façade of humour, or taking a direct approach, it is all damaging. Just how damaging will depend on the amount of time it goes on for, the position of power or lack thereof of the bully, the relationship between bully and victim, and the victim’s ability to be heard and believed. To be heard helps to heal, and so it is vitally important to listen when someone tells us that they have experienced or are experiencing bullying. While most bullying may fall under the “little t” trauma category, there is plenty of evidentiary support on the damage that even low levels of chronic stress or “smaller” instances of trauma can cause. So, if we know better, we need to start doing better. We need to stop looking the other way or normalizing bad behaviour. We need to recognize the difference between a coach gently pushing a student to do better vs belittling them or being overly critical. We need to understand the difference between setting boundaries vs aggression. We need to learn to spot manipulation vs sincerity.
As part of the criteria for achieving licenced status with Equestrian Canada, all of us certified coaches had to complete a “Fostering Healthy Equestrian Environments” module that covered a lot of the different types of bullying that may occur in a barn or competition setting, as well as the importance of reporting such behavior. This is a great step in the right direction, but how effective has it been? How easy is it to hyper-click your way through an online course, and spend your time scrolling your phone while each video plays rather than using the time to reflect on your own or other’s behaviour? The course ends with an emphasis on reporting bullying behaviour to EC, but what if the person doing the bullying isn’t a current EC coach? What if the fear of retaliation outweighs any envisioned consequences? Retaliation by the person reported, but also retaliation by the industry as a whole? Just look at the reaction that many people had when George Morris was accused of sexual misconduct and grooming and abuse of minors. The number of people who simply refused to believe that one of their heroes would ever do something like this was staggering. The number of comments I saw online hurling aggressive accusations at the victims who came forward was astonishing. “If this was true, why did they wait 20 years to come forward?” “They are just looking for attention” This demonstrates a complete ignorance to the effects of trauma and PTSD. Trauma destroys your sense of safety, so that even every day activities can make your body feel as if it is fighting for its life. The last thing someone who has experienced bullying or harassment wants is attention, as this adds to the feeling of lack of safety and boundary rupture. This means that reporting is extremely difficult to do, as not only are the (quite valid) fears I spoke to above probably present, but every cell in your body is filled with a sense of impending danger that you can’t even explain. How is someone in that state supposed to stand up and be brave enough to complain? We need to have more understanding and compassion when it takes victims time to come forward.
If you have experienced bullying, or are currently experiencing it, I see you. I believe you. And I am sorry, you don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Each of us need to do our part to make equestrian an inviting, healthy, and thriving industry. It is important for each of us in the industry, whether coaches, participants, volunteers, administrators etc to take it upon ourselves to learn as much as we can about the topic, and all the nuances and ways that bullying can affect not only the humans but the horses as well. This means not just watching a webinar or two, but self-reflecting on our own interactions with others, both horse and human, and continuing to learn and grow, and strive to be kinder, more inclusive, and more emotionally literate human beings. We need to be brave when we feel we can be, and to call out bad behaviour when we see it, whether that means actually saying something or whether that means simply not supporting the venues, coaches, or organizations where bullying is allowed to run unchecked. We need to rethink some of the brutal practices we use with horses. To claim that we as an industry are working hard to irradicate bullying while allowing abusive behaviour such as Rollkur to continue being used on sentient beings is hypocrisy.
Perhaps most importantly, we need to be willing to put in the work to heal ourselves. Hurt people hurt people. Only by putting in the difficult and often uncomfortable or scary work can we make sure that we aren’t making our own shit everyone else’s problem. Rather than wielding our own trauma around like a weapon of mass destruction, we can work through it, and come out the other side more empathetic, and balanced humans. And it just so happens that empathetic and balanced humans make great horse people. This is a win for us, as well as for the people and horses in our life.
Rather than being a holdover of outdated and callous behaviour, clinging desperately to tradition over change, equestrian can be a leader in creating a more tolerant and compassionate world.