Why Shame Has No Place In My Practice

(Originally written on Facebook, May 13th, 2024)

Some thoughts on shame.

Shame is something we all experience, and yet are all afraid to talk about. It is a very normal part of the human experience. It is the voice that tells us we are bad. Not worthy. Stupid.

By saying that shame has no place in my practice, I do not mean that no one should feel it ever. All emotions are valid, and I don’t believe in toxic positivity or fake posturing.

What I am speaking to is the use of weaponized shame. Shame directed at a person to try to belittle them, manipulate them, or otherwise instigate them to change in some way. Firstly, this is not how shame works. It does not motivate positive change. A snide remark about your second-hand riding boots might make you go out and splurge on a new pair, but this will likely be followed by guilt at spending money you didn’t have, or resentment towards the commentor. Tragically, I have witnessed shame being actively used as a tool within the equestrian industry. Used by bullying coaches, ringside spectators, and agents of positive change within the industry alike. Regardless of the motive for it’s use as a tool, I do not believe it an effective one. Shame is fueled by judgement, and judgment is the enemy of connection. It's bedfellows are perfectionism, insecurity, anxiety, resentment, and disconnection. Disconnection is not progression.

The opposite of judgment is empathy, and this is the vessel through which I try to deliver my work. So you don’t have the fanciest tack? That’s ok. I see you making do with what you have, and that it fits your horse. Do you spend more time on groundwork than on riding? That’s great! There’s so much we can work on together in that space, and I bet your relationship with your horse has so much nuance and character to it! Are you struggling to “keep up with the Joneses” when it comes to all the information about what horse-centred stable management actually entails? If we all had millions of dollars and hours and hours of free time it would be easy to have the world’s best track system, veterinary, bodywork, 4-week trim cycles, premium supplements, and low-sugar-no-dust-greenest forage on earth in perfectly rationed yet available 24/7 portions.

But hell, most of us can barely afford groceries these days. As long as your horse has their basic needs met, you are making an effort to listen to them, and you are slowly making miniscule changes in the right direction, you are doing better than most! So don’t be too hard on yourself. And more importantly, let’s all try to be a little less hard on each other. Compassionate education goes a lot further than shaming ever will.

I have to say: There is a difference between having empathy and not setting boundaries. For example, I can have compassion for the person who truly believes that dominance theory is a real thing, and feels they have to treat their horse training like it’s a form of brutal combat. I understand how uncomfortable and vulnerable it is to try to dismantle those beliefs and be forced to confront insecurities deep within ourselves. AND I can choose not to work with those people unless they are willing to really dig deep and go there. I can choose to prevent my own compassion fatigue by not trying to change people who don’t want to change, and who are committed to purposely misunderstanding me. I have spent a lot of time on those arenas, and my nervous system and mental health suffered for it.

Compassion and boundaries are not mutually exclusive, and while it is a difficult balance to navigate sometimes (I am certainly not perfect at it. Far from it), it is possible. And isn’t that what horsemanship is really all about at its core?